Saturday, January 19, 2013
Overlord Legacy - Chapter Fifty-Five - Things You Don't Expect To See Come Out Of Your Butt
Severin: "I don't feel any worse, but I don't think anything's changed. I'll go this afternoon. I just want to get some guitar practice out of the way. I have a performance this upcoming weekend and, if I'm up for it, I need to be on top of things."
Gator sighs, but has to take his son at his word that everything's okay. After clicking around the internet for a few more minutes, Gator decides to get up and make some pancakes. He doesn't feel like waffles this morning.
Gator: "You put red food coloring in her formula, didn't you."
Gator: "By the way, uh...you're the talk of all the gossip sites online."
Severin: "Couldn't hide my stomach entirely, I guess."
Gator: "You're on the cover of the local tabloid too. Something like, 'Whose Bodies Are Hot - And Whose Are Not!' They, um...they made note of your weight gain."
Severin: "I suppose I had one of those little black rectangles covering my face with the caption, 'You'll NEVER GUESS who became a tubby tubby fat fat!''
Gator: "Yeah, something like that."
Darth Furball: "Ooh. That old wolf dropped me some pancake batter. He is not so bad after all. If he had aimed just a little bit off, it would have landed on the little vampire's head. And I would have laughed so much, if a cat could laugh."
Gator finishes with the pancakes and sits down to eat with his son. He's glad for this opportunity, actually. The Overlords sometimes have family outings, but Gator doesn't often just get to sit back and relax alone with Severin. He'll surely have to run after Banshee and Requiem for the rest of the day, but at least he can have a fairly quiet morning.
Severin: "That's a scary thought."
Gator: "Admittedly when Katt was first born, I was a bit concerned with how you'd handle the new responsibilities. Now you have three daughters and I know you're doing your best for them. I'm proud of you."
Severin: "Yesterday Requiem got her fangs stuck in a rocking chair and Banshee fell in a fountain. I don't think I'm the perfect model for fatherhood."
Gator: "You're doing all you can, Severin. That's all anyone can ask of you. Sometimes I think you strive to do even more than what is possible."
Severin: "If anything's impossible, I'm going to test the barriers just in case it's not."
Gator: "...You're doing a good job for this legacy. Your name will certainly be remembered."
Severin: "Thanks, dad. You've taught me a lot."
Severin smiles at his father, secretly relishing in the words of praise. He's getting so close to reaching his goal of becoming the celebrity of all celebrities in his town, winning the admiration of the citizens of Moonlight Falls, capturing hearts and minds and emotions even deeper than his mother Amaranth was able to. He's worked hard to get here. And with all that work, he's also had to be the father of three daughters, which seems much harder than his legacy work. He honestly doesn't know how he'd ever be able to make it without his father around.
After breakfast is finished, Severin heads upstairs to give the girls their baths before he plans to leave for the hospital. Gator returns to the computer to look up the weather...and secretly look up Severin's symptoms to see if he can find what the cause of his illness might be before he even gets to the hospital. But as soon as Gator turns the computer on, it starts to buzz, then spark, and finally fry.
Severin finishes up washing Banshee, who hasn't failed to shriek her lungs out and splash water all over the place during the delightful ordeal. Drenched, Severin hopes Requiem is a little calmer during her bath time.
Severin: "It's okay. It's just water."
Requiem: "Water kill vampire."
Severin: "I've never heard of water killing vampires."
Requiem: "Holy water?"
Severin: "This is overlord water, not holy water."
Requiem: "I'm melllltinnnnnng!"
Severin: "Oh, you're talking about that. That happened to the Wicked Witch of the West in some fruity land called Oz. Vampires in Moonlight Falls don't melt in water."
Severin: "Your sister, whose name is 'Banshee,' not 'dumb sissy,' did not poop in the water. I checked it before I put you in."
Requiem: "She fart in water?"
Severin: "Farts don't contaminate water."
Severin calmly answers all of Requiem's concerns as he scrubs her up and finishes her bath. Much to Requiem's delight, he finally begins to lift her out of the tub. He freezes. A sudden pain, an intense spasm shoots through his stomach. He feels a tight cramp come on, squeezing, painful.
Severin: "Mm...I'm alright, Req--....gah. I'm alright. Just...just a little pain."
Severin isn't able to answer her second inquiry. The pain soon fills his whole body, clenching, burning, worse and worse as the minutes go by. Severin tries to stay silent, but he can't hold back moans of agony at some of the worse pains. Requiem stares at her father, horror-stricken. What is going on with daddy? Why is he in pain? Why is he holding his stomach?
Severin: "Agh...it's...it's alright, Requiem. I'm...going to the hospital in a...little bit..."
Requiem's terrified screams quickly alert Banshee from the other room. Curiously she crawls out to observe why grandpa needs to help daddy. She immediately sees her father's pained expressions, watches as he grabs onto the changing table to keep himself upright, and she begins to scream as well.
Darth Furball: "Master? Master, what is going on? Oh no..."
Darth Furball: "I must protect him. I cannot do much else, but I can and must protect him. No hero shall see him like this."
Severin: "Dad...dad, I need you..."
Gator immediately rushes as fast as his old body will move up the stairs, his heart pounding in his chest. Why couldn't Severin have gone to the hospital yesterday? Is it too late now?
Severin: "I...I really don't know, dad..."
Gator: "What's the pain like? What are you feeling?"
Severin: "Tight cramps...burning...stabbing...all over, but especially my stomach..."
Gator: "I'm calling an ambulance. We need to get you to a hospital now."
Severin: "Dad, no...don't call anyone to the house..."
Gator: "Severin! Now is not the time for this! You need help now!"
Gator: "What? What's happening now?"
Severin: "My butt, dad! It's...it's...there's something coming..."
Gator: "Something's coming out your butt?!"
Severin: "Dad, please, just help me downstairs. I need to use the bathroom."
Gator: "The bathroom?!? We're going to the hospital!"
Severin: "Dad, what if that potion...what if it's been building up a thirty-pound turd the whole time? Maybe...maybe I just need to poop it out and then it'll all be over..."
Gator: "Do you really think you can push out thirty pounds of turd into the toilet?!"
Severin: "Please, dad...just help me downstairs."
Wanting to call the ambulance right then and there, but wanting to oblige his son, Gator finally decides to assist Severin slowly down the stairs. The object uncomfortably lodged in Severin's canal keeps pushing further and further. Severin finally stumbles into the bathroom, telling his father that he will call the ambulance while he's in there, grabbing his father's phone out of his hand and locking the bathroom door so Gator can't get it back.
As much pain as he's in, Severin doesn't want to go to the hospital. Maybe it is just a giant turd and it'll all be finished soon. And even if...even if the effects he's feeling now turn out to be fatal, the last thing he wants to do is die in a hospital. He'd much rather go down in his own castle. Perhaps if he's lucky, he can give some quick advice and instructions to Katt about what she needs to take over the legacy.
He barely gets to the bed when he realizes the turd is about to come out. Squatting, he prepares to push.
Then the sparkles start zooming.
Hoping the sparkles don't turn him into an old man, Severin submits to pulling his pants down, squatting, and finally pushing whatever's in his butt out. As it begins to come out, Severin bravely peers down to see the horrid substance that's about to hit the floor.
His heart shoots into his throat. As his body automatically gives one last push to get the rest of it out, Severin quickly grabs the substance before it drops to the ground. The pain begins to cease. The object in his rectum is gone. Quite sure he's gone insane, Severin brings the butt-object up to his face. Surely he must be seeing things.
Severin: "Why is this poop making noise?"
Completely stunned, Severin stares at what's just emerged from his tush. It's a real, living, breathing baby girl. But...but men can't birth babies. Science has proved it impossible for men to conceive and have babies. Unless magic were involved...
And then Severin remembers the potion he'd dropped on himself. "Fertilitee," it had said.
The bloating, the heartburn, the backaches, the excruciating pain he'd just been through...all of that was because the potion made him pregnant. He just produced a baby girl out of his own rear end.
Swallowing, Severin looks around the room. His father isn't downstairs, from what he can hear. He hears the sniffling and crying from his toddler daughters upstairs beginning to dwindle. He suspects his dad's probably up there trying to comfort them.
Gator: "SON? ARE YOU..."
Severin: "I'M OKAY. PAIN'S ALL GONE. AND, UH...I JUST PUSHED A BABY OUT OF MY BUTT."
Gator gives no response. Severin decides to head on upstairs and let his dad see for himself what's just happened. Severin glances down at his stomach. It's back to normal size. Has some snot on it though - the baby's just sneezed all over him.
Slowly Severin enters the playroom, where he finds his toddler daughters and his father. Gator immediately turns to him concernedly...then freezes when he notices what's in Severin's arms.
Severin: "I just gave birth to a baby. Through my butt. The potion made me pregnant."
Gator: "....Son, I think I want to cry right now."
Severin: "I feel the same way."
Gator: "So, uh...we have another little girl in the house, I take it."
Severin: "This would be the fourth."
Gator: "Well...I'm glad you're okay now. This is a bit...unexpected, but...we'll figure it out. Have you come up with a name for your, erm...specially delivered baby?"
Gator: "I have never observed a child that was born of a man's rear end, so I honestly can't tell you, Sev."
Severin: "Well, anyway...I can still name her something that invokes fear and terror. I like Ransom."
Gator: "Hmm...has a nice ring to it."
Severin: "Of course it does. The name involves hostages, tension, and money, all of which are wonderful things."
Noticing Ransom's sleepy eyes starting to blink shut, Severin decides to gently place her in the swing. He looks into the eyes of his tiny daughter, who's just entered the world in the strangest of ways. He softly strokes her cheek.
Ransom gives her father a familiar smile, then closes her eyes and begins to sleep. Severin grins. He knows the smile. It's a fiendishly delighted smile. His little darling is evil.
As Ransom sleeps, Severin heads downstairs and decides to check the internet to see his picture on the tabloid cover. He's curious as to what the reaction of the paparazzi will be when they see his regular stomach. And when they see his new baby. He hopes they don't connect any dots.
Gator: "I thought they looked a little weird."
Severin: "'Breaking News! Severin Overlord Is An Illegitimate Father!' They just now figured that out?"
Gator: "Did you see the article on Darth Furball?"
Darth Furball: "There is an article on me?"
Severin: "Mm. 'Severin Overlord's Ruthless Cat Maims Innocent Bystander'. Yeah, that innocent bystander with a camera who happened to be trespassing on my property."
Darth Furball: "I hope he enjoys life as a eunuch."
After looking at enough juicy gossip about himself, Severin decides to pick up his guitar and continue practicing. At least his belly's not going to get in the way now. He strums through a couple of songs when Katt arrives home from school.
Severin: "Shouldn't take you too long to guess."
Katt: "Oh! Your weight is back to normal!"
Severin: "Sure is."
Katt: "Then you went to the hospital. What did they do there? How did they get your weight down? What was the problem?"
Severin: "Nope, no hospital visit. I lost it all this afternoon."
Katt: "By yourself? How?"
Severin: "I birthed a baby through my butt."
Severin: "The potion I dropped on me that one day had the magical components to impregnate me. I popped out a baby this afternoon. Her name's Ransom. She's real cute."
Darth Furball: "Right out of his butt."
Gator heads downstairs with Requiem and Banshee in arms. Katt takes Banshee from him, then they stand and watch Severin's guitar playing. Even the toddlers are mesmerized.
Gator: "Believe it or not, he is."
Banshee: "Daddy in pain today. Poopoo baby."
Katt: "Well...that's pretty interesting."
Severin: "It will never happen again."
Requiem: "No poopoo 'nother baby?"
Severin: "Men pooping babies isn't really normal, Requiem."
Curious to see her new baby sister, Katt heads up the stairs, Gator following her to potty-train and feed the toddlers. Her dad was right - Ransom is pretty cute. Katt still doesn't know if she quite believes the whole story, but what other explanation could there be?
Gator: "That we are."
Katt: "Do you think we're going to have enough room for everything? I mean, the castle's pretty disorganized as it is, and I don't know if there's enough room in the nursery for another crib and everything."
Gator: "Your father and I talked about that earlier. He's decided to revamp the castle, make some changes."
Katt: "That involves hiring a construction crew, architects, and interior designers. Is he willing to do that?"
Gator: "It appears so. He'll keep all documents and particularly special items either on his person or kept in eyesight while the construction is going on. We might actually have some breathing room in this castle now."
Katt: "Knowing dad, it's going to be good."
Author's notes: Don't forget to check out the redone castle! It was getting so small and so cluttered and so awful-looking that I finally decided to remake it. The floor plan and the structure basically stays the same, but there are several different elements, so be sure to check it out.
Enter Ransom! And yes, she is evil. She's also a werewolf/witch hybrid. You'll get to see more of her as a toddler later on.
Severin has reached his baby total, and they're all little girls. He's been through his excruciating buttbaby labor and now he doesn't have to endure that torture any longer. Poor guy.
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